All the Kings horses and all the Kings men COULD put Humpty Dumpty back together again!

Friday, August 13, 2010


Such is my life, always a day late and a dollar short!  I passed on last night’s blog that re-capped a day in which Jamie released a little “fury” from just about every nook and cranny of both large and small intestines.  He claimed, and why wouldn’t he after four days, that said fury was the largest thing he has ever deposited!  I guess if you had to find a positive of not being very maneuverable it would be this…Jamie’s “Great Movement” was caught in his bedpan…for all to see to include his nurse who exclaimed…”Wow!”

So, with more of the old poop material, I am reminded of another great story involving Jamie and me.  It was summertime, 1981, and Jamie and I were on a vacation with my Dad and Stepmom.  The trip had been a blast thus far….but the events from this particular night would leave a lasting impression of the entire trip on both Jamie and me to this day.  We were in Spokane, Washington…my dad had a business dinner in a nice restaurant at the top floor of our hotel.  Several courses into the dinner, Jamie and I were hanging on pure boredom while everyone else slugged bottles of wine like Roman Soldiers!  Anyway, the urge hit us both around the same time…and we hustled to the restroom.  The men’s room was standard in appearance with four to five stalls on one side and a wall full of urinals on the other….ladies, don’t get jealous!  The bathroom was completely empty when we arrived and so we did as any ten and eleven year old would do…we executed the “stall in the middle is a buffer rule.”  (Bad bathroom etiquette is to sit side-by-side if not necessary).  I took the first stall….Jamie bypassed the second and took the third.  And there we sat…just jaw-jacking about anything and everything.  I am not even sure we had to do any business….but it was just nice to get away from all the grown-up discussion at the table.  What a bonus! An empty bathroom, good company, good conversation…alas!

The abrupt jolt of the door opening and slamming against the stop….caught me off guard…even startled me a bit. CLICKETY CLACK….CLICKETY CLACK….CLICKETY CLACK went the fellas loafers on the marble tiled bathroom floor. I hear the man outside my stall….I even see some movement in the break between the stall door and the frame.  I looked down as both black loafers stopped their prance long enough to present themselves at the base of my door!  The handle jiggled….the door moved slightly and in a spastic fore aft motion…but the latch kept it from opening!  What the hell was this guy doing?  “Oh shoot, ahhhhhhh” the man exclaimed…and the furious CLICKETY CLACKS picked back up.  He then broke the ”Cardinal” rule and entered the number two stall….the buffer!  Needless to say, all chit-chat between Jamie and I had stopped at the slamming of the door.  I watched the man’s loafers…now from under the adjoining stall wall.  They were still tapping…like the great Arthur Duncan used to do on the Lawrence Welk Show. (That just happened…a pull from the LWS??? Jamie, you know you love that!) We listened intently as the man frantically called out as though he was in church….”Ohhhhh, Jeeeezzzzzz…..zzzzzzzzuussss!”  The CLICKETY CLACKS had now turned into CLICK CLACKS as the guy marched in place like a Marine at the Evening Parade.  I heard the unmistakable fumbling of a now panicked man as he wrestled with the release of his belt buckle!  A couple more disclaimers…this time using Jesus’ last name...and the man’s slacks, in one motion, and his underwear in second motion ate up borrowed time.  The next thing that took place was both horrific and hilarious.  He started his volatile purge as he was still in the act of sitting down on the toilet…and it didn’t take a genius to figure that out. Man, what entertainment!  That poor bastard was in such a tight spot…he didn’t even have time to prep the seat with a cover!  Disgusting! 

Several seconds had now gone by since the last time I had heard from Jamie.  The man between us was peppering the bowl like one of those spray foam insulation guns.  So, you can probably imagine what happens next.  I remember chomping down hard on my cheeks with my teeth…and the more I got the urge to laugh….the tighter I bit.  But not old Jamie….he busted out with a cackle that could be heard clear across the state in Seattle!  Of course, the chain reaction was that I could no longer contain myself and I busted out laughing too.  And hearing me laugh made Jamie laugh even harder…..which made me laugh harder.  The man in the middle stall never acknowledged us…thank god!  We went into damage control and lifted up our legs so the guy couldn’t get a look at our shoes…and then we waited him out as he finished and left the bathroom. 

“Man, did you hear that?” That question started our conversation back up as we picked back up where we left off before the interruption.  Again, as funny today as the day it happened…oh, and yes, I am actually embarrassed that I am 41!!  So, if I am sharing funny stories than that means Jamie’s day went without a hitch, right?

Today, 12 August, was a great day!  Lots of visitors and more of the same for Jamie.  In fact, among the many visitors was Jamie and Gail's friend Beth her two daughters.  They brought Jamie a very cool gag gift that includes a different mustache for each day of the week!  See picture of Thursday's stash...

Jamie’s pain was very manageable. In fact, each day Jamie has to describe his pain level…and today he pointed to the little smiley face!  No, just funnin’ around, Jamie does describe his pain but he uses a scale from one to ten.  Today, Jamie described it as a four. This is exciting as he has never felt good enough to report lower than a six.

His morning routine was more Occupational Therapy with his therapist Carrie.  Jamie and Carrie have a great report…and yet another person that can hang with Jamie’s “in the gutter” sense of humor!  (I am just glad mine isn’t in the gutter). Jamie made the comment that since the removal of his cath…things seemed a bit more depleted…to which Carrie replied…”sounds like a personal problem!”  A thus a match made in heaven!  Jamie continued to work on the slide board, which assists movement from his bed to a wheelchair.  And, once in his wheelchair…Jamie and Carrie worked on practicing a daily routine.  This is important as you can imagine how much different your daily activities are in that capacity.  Jamie spent the better part of his day in his wheelchair and in the seated position.  Personally, I find this amazing…as it was a mere four days ago that I watched him sit up for a couple minutes before he was wiped out.  Only days later, and he is in the seated position for more than four hours. 

Jamie dresses in the morning and Gail bought him some fancy shorts to wear around the hospital.  The shorts are ideal…now that his cath is out as they have pajama style access in the front for the old pee bottle.  See Jamie below with his PT, Kay.  He is sporting the new duds.....

Jamie ate lunch with Gail and his new friends…Tony and Pat!  Beyond that, the lunchroom looks like the Early Bird Special at the Golden Corral!  “Bingo!”  After lunch, Jamie met with his Physical Therapists.  This was very productive…though, Jamie is constantly being reminded to throttle back a bit! The next few weeks will be like ground hog day.  But, Jamie is actually very excited about his new digs.  He was going crazy…being idle in his bed.  Now he is out there working hard towards recovery and getting out of acute care and back home!  So, all-in-all a great day.  Until tomorrow…



  1. Jamie and Tom,
    I remember a similar incident like that my self when I was much younger. Now, I do my best to not be that guy in stall 2 but it is getting harder and harder.

  2. B12, B12 - Ahh, the life of an Invalid!
    Though I cannot say I was the "Super Fan" Jamie must have been, me as a kid growing up in the '70's, visiting my maternal Grandparents in Walnut Creek, Saturday evenings were all about "The Lawrence Welk Show". Thanks for that memory recall. Also, the "Rear exit as a high pressue Gunite Applicator to the curvature of the porcelain bowl" visual was pretty darned funny! We missed you last night at the GNO, but toasted to your continued recovery. Happy FTT (Friday the Thirteenth)and continued well wishes towards your speedy recovery Jamie! Dave S.